Forgive me a little diversion to pure nerdistry while I compile a little list.
There will, for better or worse (I think better), soon be new installments in the Star Wars franchise. This is a big deal for someone like me. I don't care who sees me in my thick-rimmed glasses and ironic bow-tie when I say I have been a fan since well before the 'Special Editions' of the original trilogy were released.
I've written in the past about how Star Wars taught me how to read and write. It inspired me to want to be a writer myself. There are few people who hold that old set of three films closer to their heart than I do. Now, with a new set of films looming, it occurs to me that this could be the latest in a very long line of disappointing additions to a great space opera.
That in mind, I've compiled a helpful list of things that can help mitigate the chances of the next movie being an absolute balls-up. You may roll your eyes, dear reader, and wonder at what the point of this is. But let me assure you, there are people out there much less sensible than I am. They are constructing effigies of JJ Abrams as we speak, and their match-strikin' fingers are already itchy.
1 - Please, no more 'new' species or locations!
The Galaxy Far, Far Away is enormous. Like, I'm not even joking - it has been built on and added to and mutated and evolved in more ways than a supercomputer could chart. You should absolutely not take my word for this, either. Just take a look.
Holy balls! That's a lot of places, right? Well, here is the list of species that live on them. There are over two hundred.
There is absolutely no need to go crowding up that image with yet more fake-sounding place and race names. With all that wealth of location and Species data available to him, George Lucas had to go ahead and come up with Naboo, Gungans, Mustafar and Count Dooku. I am going to intentionally avoid saying 'Kit Fisto', 'Plo Koon' and Jar Jar Binks (whoops).
You get my point, right? There are plenty of pre-existing, non-terrible places and beings in the galaxy. Let's go and visit them!
... before we have to suffer going to planet Bogalogalog to meet Jimbaroonalon deDarkDarkness.
2 - We're done with Superweapons
Okay?
Hear that, JJ? Superweapons have had their day. They are over-used even in some of the excellent Extended Universe books. The bad guys, this time around, don't have to be quite so hilariously comic-book evil in their approach to things.
This is the list of Superweapons we've had so far. It might only be twelve, but that is like...eleven more than Star Wars really needed in the first place. I guess that, when you're talking about a place as big as an entire galaxy, the temptation to raise the stakes by being able to annihilate large portions of it in one go must be huge.
But to lose one Death Star is tragic, to lose two seems like carelessness. Losing three makes me think the Empire just really needs the insurance money.
3 - Ease up on the Jedi
The prequels proved that doing stories about Jedi Knights is absolutely, 100% boring.
They can't love. They can't get mad. If they do either, they flip the Dark Side switch and became dastardly cads in a matter of screen seconds. They are omnisciently powerful god creatures who are never really in any danger, besides that of their own existential making.
They're whingers, in other words. Their problems are like first world problems, only way more annoying. "Oh, my super powers weren't good enough to save my mother and now I'm evil. Why can't I have better super powers??"
Either give us a complex, singular Jedi who has to learn things and overcome stuff and grow as a person, or push them to the background altogether.
4 - Less Slapstick, More Wit
I'm talking less Benny Hill, more The Avengers.
Less Steve Martin, more Joss Whedon.
Make it funny, by all means. But make it funny for both kids and adults.
5 - Fresh is Best
You see these three floppy-haired muppets?
They don't run the galaxy.
The entirety of that big map up there isn't all managed by a cabal of the same 12 characters over a period of several decades. Nor will it be managed by their direct descendants in the future. We do not need to see another Skywalker, or Solo. We don't need to check in with everyone we've met in the previous films, either.
The smuggler doesn't have to be Han and Leia's daughter. The Jedi doesn't have to be Luke's kid. The Alliance fleet doesn't have to be steered by John Ackbar, the Admiral's more optimistic nephew.
Keep it fresh, if you ask me. Part of maturing the franchise ought to be having the guts to break away from the stale stuff and try something new. Or someone new, in this case. Which brings me to the last point...
6 - Narrow the Focus
Narrow the bejesus out of it. Star Wars' original trilogy held as its stakes the destruction of all freedom and the enslavement of all non-human life in the galaxy. You can't really go bigger than that. You can't one-up the guy who built two (TWO!!!) planet-sized death machines.
We need to focus for a while. What Star Wars is crying out for is a personal story. There have to be stakes that are significant for the players involved but don't necessarily end in galactic decimation and puppycide. The galaxy had it's saviour. Luke Skywalker did all the work there. To have another one in the same story space would be like JK Rowling writing eight more Harry Potter books with a new main character tasked with defeating Voldemort once and for all. It's been done! No more.
Zoom in for a minute. Tell me a heartwrenching story of triumph and heroism.
So there you have it. A geek's list of ways to help guard against the worst of what a new Star Wars film could be. I'll have you know that my qualifications were hard earned on many viewings, readings and playthroughs of the Star Wars canon.
I love the old girl. I think she's still got some surprises left in her, sweetheart.
I hope I'm right.
There will, for better or worse (I think better), soon be new installments in the Star Wars franchise. This is a big deal for someone like me. I don't care who sees me in my thick-rimmed glasses and ironic bow-tie when I say I have been a fan since well before the 'Special Editions' of the original trilogy were released.
I've written in the past about how Star Wars taught me how to read and write. It inspired me to want to be a writer myself. There are few people who hold that old set of three films closer to their heart than I do. Now, with a new set of films looming, it occurs to me that this could be the latest in a very long line of disappointing additions to a great space opera.
That in mind, I've compiled a helpful list of things that can help mitigate the chances of the next movie being an absolute balls-up. You may roll your eyes, dear reader, and wonder at what the point of this is. But let me assure you, there are people out there much less sensible than I am. They are constructing effigies of JJ Abrams as we speak, and their match-strikin' fingers are already itchy.
1 - Please, no more 'new' species or locations!
The Galaxy Far, Far Away is enormous. Like, I'm not even joking - it has been built on and added to and mutated and evolved in more ways than a supercomputer could chart. You should absolutely not take my word for this, either. Just take a look.
 |
| The story so far... |
There is absolutely no need to go crowding up that image with yet more fake-sounding place and race names. With all that wealth of location and Species data available to him, George Lucas had to go ahead and come up with Naboo, Gungans, Mustafar and Count Dooku. I am going to intentionally avoid saying 'Kit Fisto', 'Plo Koon' and Jar Jar Binks (whoops).
You get my point, right? There are plenty of pre-existing, non-terrible places and beings in the galaxy. Let's go and visit them!
... before we have to suffer going to planet Bogalogalog to meet Jimbaroonalon deDarkDarkness.
2 - We're done with Superweapons
Okay?
Hear that, JJ? Superweapons have had their day. They are over-used even in some of the excellent Extended Universe books. The bad guys, this time around, don't have to be quite so hilariously comic-book evil in their approach to things.
This is the list of Superweapons we've had so far. It might only be twelve, but that is like...eleven more than Star Wars really needed in the first place. I guess that, when you're talking about a place as big as an entire galaxy, the temptation to raise the stakes by being able to annihilate large portions of it in one go must be huge.
But to lose one Death Star is tragic, to lose two seems like carelessness. Losing three makes me think the Empire just really needs the insurance money.
3 - Ease up on the Jedi
The prequels proved that doing stories about Jedi Knights is absolutely, 100% boring.
They can't love. They can't get mad. If they do either, they flip the Dark Side switch and became dastardly cads in a matter of screen seconds. They are omnisciently powerful god creatures who are never really in any danger, besides that of their own existential making.
They're whingers, in other words. Their problems are like first world problems, only way more annoying. "Oh, my super powers weren't good enough to save my mother and now I'm evil. Why can't I have better super powers??"
 |
| BOO HOO >:-/ |
Either give us a complex, singular Jedi who has to learn things and overcome stuff and grow as a person, or push them to the background altogether.
4 - Less Slapstick, More Wit
I'm talking less Benny Hill, more The Avengers.
Less Steve Martin, more Joss Whedon.
Make it funny, by all means. But make it funny for both kids and adults.
5 - Fresh is Best
They don't run the galaxy.
The entirety of that big map up there isn't all managed by a cabal of the same 12 characters over a period of several decades. Nor will it be managed by their direct descendants in the future. We do not need to see another Skywalker, or Solo. We don't need to check in with everyone we've met in the previous films, either.
The smuggler doesn't have to be Han and Leia's daughter. The Jedi doesn't have to be Luke's kid. The Alliance fleet doesn't have to be steered by John Ackbar, the Admiral's more optimistic nephew.
 |
| 'No way is this a trap.' |
6 - Narrow the Focus
Narrow the bejesus out of it. Star Wars' original trilogy held as its stakes the destruction of all freedom and the enslavement of all non-human life in the galaxy. You can't really go bigger than that. You can't one-up the guy who built two (TWO!!!) planet-sized death machines.
 |
| 'Fire at puppies, Commander.' |
Zoom in for a minute. Tell me a heartwrenching story of triumph and heroism.
So there you have it. A geek's list of ways to help guard against the worst of what a new Star Wars film could be. I'll have you know that my qualifications were hard earned on many viewings, readings and playthroughs of the Star Wars canon.
I love the old girl. I think she's still got some surprises left in her, sweetheart.
I hope I'm right.
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