Distractions: A Writer's Guide, Part One

For the afflicted writer, I have compiled a list of distractions, their common symptoms, and what you can do to avoid being ensnared by them. Listed in no particular order, they are equal bastions of procrastination.

If I can save just one paragraph, it will have all been worth it.

The sneakiest of all distractions, books are able to masquerade as 'research' to convince you that you are not procrastinating. Don't believe them. They are lying to you.

Signs you are distracted:

• Intellectual Stimulation
• Vivid Fantasies, often accompanied by emotional highs and lows
• A sudden, unexplained increase in vocabulary
• Words Read : Words Written ratio beginning to sound like something C-3PO would say



The odds of successfully finishing a book at this rate are approximately 6,245,000 to One!

Solution: Read only terrible, truly awful books. Not only will you not be able to continue reading, you will be convinced that you could write a better book with one arm tied behind your back.

The junk food of the media world, Television and Video Games are good at what they do, which is stopping you from writing. In fact, a good enough game or TV show will make you forget to eat, which technically makes them even more insidious than junk food. I guess that means they're more like the Alien of the media world - the perfect procrastination weapon.

Signs you are distracted:

• Carpal Tunnel from mouse clicking
• A groove in your sofa that is supiciously the same shape as your arse
• Dozens, if not hundreds, of empty red bull cans scattered around the TV/PC
• Square eyes (And you thought your mother was joking)
• A mild form of Vampirism as you become ultra-sensitive to sunlight

Get away from that Manuscript, you BITCH

Solution: Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Oooh boy. You're Gollum, and the Internet is the Ring. You need it and it needs you. Of the two participants, User and Internet, one is the host body and the other is the tapeworm that lives in its guts. Which one is which is unclear at this time.

Signs you are distracted:

• You are reading this
• You know what a 'lolcat' is
• You have not bought a CD since 1996
• You have not bought a newspaper since 1997
• You own a PC.

NO IT DOESN'T, Cat.

Solution: There is no solution. Hercules thought it was hard to kill the Hydra? The Hydra is a skink compared to the Internet. The best we can hope to do is learn to live with the Internet and hope that it will continue to allow us some minimal freedom. All hail Internet.

Within the labrynth of waste that is the Internet lie smaller traps that can ensnare the unwary writer. Twitter - A website that appears to champion brevity by limiting discussion to 140 characters, but instead winds up directing you to every single interesting thing on the internet and consuming days of your time. Facebook - a website designed to keep you in touch with your friends and family, you will spend most of your time here stalking people you barely know and arguing with religious fundamentalist relatives that you would otherwise only see at Christmas.

Signs you are distracted:

• You begin all your character names with an @
• You know what kind of cocktail you would be, or which character in the simpsons you are
• You recieved an @ reply from Neil Gaiman once and now refer to him as your friend
• You know exactly how many words every other writer in the world is writing

I am not, Facebook! Shut up!

Solution: Get incredibly drunk and say some regrettable things in your social networks. You will not be welcome back there, leaving you plenty of time to get on with the task of writing!


And thus ends part one. I shall continue this list in the near future when I'm need of a good distraction. Oh, which reminds me!

.... No. Next time.

Next time.